Table of Contents
- 1 Mass Effect – Shepard’s cabin, SSV Normandy
- 2 The Witcher 3 – Geralt’s room in Kaer Morhen
- 3 Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments – Sherlock’s room
- 4 Yakuza 0 – Goro Majima’s apartment
- 5 Wolfenstein: The New Order/The New Colossus – BJ and Anya’s room, Eva’s Hammer
- 6 Resident Evil 7 – Clancy’s prison
Never mind counting sheep or barbiturates: if you want to fall asleep, just watch your videogame avatar snuggle up in bed after an exhausting day of fetch quests. Detailed, inviting bedrooms are one of those disproportionately pleasing things in games, alongside flushable toilets, wafting curtains and the jump button. They all deserve to be celebrated: the luxurious, unusual, inviting and intolerable places games provide for us to drift off, including cosy Victorian lodgings, rug-strewn ruins, and crisp interstellar cabins.
Pour yourself a milk toddy, pop on some ambient rain sounds and try to stay awake till the end of the article.
Mass Effect – Shepard’s cabin, SSV Normandy
Released: 2007
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
If £700 delivered-to-your-door mattresses have taught us anything, it’s that sleep technology is a growth industry. Just imagine how comfy a Simba Hybrid will be in 160 years. That, coupled with the reassuring ASMR murmur of the Normandy’s engines, ensures a deep and relaxing night’s rest. A basic place to start, perhaps, but no less alluring for it.
What’s your nightcap?
The selection of drinks in Mass Effect is pretty broad, from Batarian ale to Asari honey mead. Horosk, a Turian hard liquor, is apparently strong enough to put you into a coma: Perfect for when the niggling threat of galactic genocide is keeping you awake.
Failing that you could just make a martini from Thane’s devastating, pre-shag tears. Mmmm… vulnerability.
Who will you be waking up with?
Thane, apparently. Provided he makes it through the night.
Released: 2011
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
Assuming the Forsworn don’t attack and you don’t mind sleeping on a stone slab, this one looks rather cosy. You’ll be able to drift off to the nearby sound of bard-song, and it’s one of the few times you’ll get to sleep in a Dwemer structure without fear of being rudely awoken by clanking pipes or mechanised sentry balls.
What’s your nightcap?
Your room comes equipped with a barrel of ale, but that’s best avoided if you don’t want to get up for a tinkle in the middle of the night—not least because there don’t appear to be any toilets. With that in mind, a shot of Cyrodilic brandy, or flin, the imported Imperial whisky, is the way to go. The most important thing is that you follow it with an entire wheel of cheese and handful of flaky butterflies.
Who will you be waking up with?
Forget any thirsty aspirations involving Hroki, the innkeeper’s daughter—she can’t be romanced and there’s only room on your slab for one. You’re better off buying a house, getting married and reaping the full benefit of the Lover’s Comfort perk, which allows all skills to improve 15% faster for 8 hours. How romantic.
The Witcher 3 – Geralt’s room in Kaer Morhen
Released: 2015
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
That depends. For the purposes of this scenario you’re probably Geralt. If you’re alone you’ll likely retire for a decent night of meditative sleep (after a long, relaxing bath, obviously). If Yennefer is with you then you’ll probably have other priorities.
What’s your nightcap?
Kaedwenian Stout is the local beverage, but that’s a bit heavy for a nightcap. How about Toussaint Red instead?
Who will you be waking up with?
See above. If you wake with anyone other than Yen expect some kind of agonising magical torment.
Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments – Sherlock’s room
Released: 2014
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
Almost certainly. Mrs. Hudson is a hospitality machine, so you’ll be provided with crisp, clean sheets and velvety pillows. And what could be more comforting than drifting off to the fading embers of a crackling coal fire? We don’t need to start worrying about the environment for at least another 120 years.
What’s your nightcap?
Holmes appreciates a tipple, so you could expect anything from expensive Burgundy to port, but let’s be honest: you’ll probably need some kind of opiate to bring you down after all the cocaine. Morphine: the gentleman’s cocoa.
Who will you be waking up with?
It’s a single bed and Holmes is a sexless deduction node, so probably nobody.
Yakuza 0 – Goro Majima’s apartment
Released: 2018
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
Let’s be honest: you may as well sleep, because there’s shit all else to do. Majima’s flat is basically just a futon in an empty shack, presumably so he can focus on important cabaret things. The only concession to frivolity is a radio, which is probably only there so he can hear important plot points. The good news is it’s a short walk to the fridge for a midnight snack, since it’s in the same room. The bad news is the fridge, assuming there actually is one, is undoubtedly empty.
What’s your nightcap?
Start off with a few Premium Malt’s [sic], chase down with a Yamazaki 12, smash back a Staminan X to sharpen up. Dinner is a cigarette. Repeat until asleep or dead.
Who will you be waking up with?
We’d love to say Mirei Park or Makoto Makimura, but Majima’s romantic history is a toilet fire. The best you can hope for is the strong, platonic arms of Taiga Saejima.
Wolfenstein: The New Order/The New Colossus – BJ and Anya’s room, Eva’s Hammer
Released: 2014/2017
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
There’s something quite cosy about being encased in armoured metal, thousands of feet underwater; like the ocean giving you a hug. Alternatively, it might be terrifyingly claustrophobic, depending on how you feel about enclosed spaces. Being hunted by Nazis might also cause the occasional stress dream.
What’s your nightcap?
If you’re lucky, BJ might have a bottle of 1938 Latour stashed away from Return to Castle Wolfenstein. But it’s unlikely, since it’s a different timeline. Looks like it’s dehydrated coffee or nothing.
Who will you be waking up with?
The clue is in the name. If you’re BJ, you’re waking up with Anya. If you’re not BJ, you’re probably not waking up at all.
Resident Evil 7 – Clancy’s prison
Released: 2016
Can you expect a good night’s sleep?
Not especially. The shackles, squalor, and lingering threat of Marguerite Baker scampering in to stab you are hardly conducive to a restful night’s sleep. On the plus side, there are puzzles to keep you occupied and decor that puts a threatening new spin on shabby chic. Also: you get your meals brought to you!
What’s your nightcap?
That leads us to the next point. Eating anything Marguerite serves up will almost certainly kill you, so maybe stick to water? Even that’s a risk.
Who will you be waking up with?
For the love of everything that’s holy, pray you wake up alone.